Oh God, have pity, for I am trusting you! I will hide beneath the shadow of your wings until the storm is past.
Psalms 57:1-2
Dear God,
Somewhere in this old church I can hear an echo calling my name,
as I sit and reminisce on a life of pain, I never abstained from any battle,
always on the front line, ready to saber rattle,
I wonder at times like this what happened to that little child,
who tried to melt his mother's heart with a simple smile,
only to be told his teeth were crooked,
I embraced the hurt and just took it,
but even when my teeth were straightened with braces,
traces of hurt would creep in, guess that was the moment I learned to smile within,
showing the world nothing but the outer surface, around crowds I become kinda nervous,
but unlike that little child's apprehension, I became a young man on a mission,
in school the teacher's loved me because I paid attention,
they didn't know my grace was a product of necessary invention,
I didn't want the world to know I was plotting, I was bowing allegiance to Satan,
while Jesus' blood was clotting,
Markee Dee, I never apologized for pissin' on your battered body, near the Angora tracks,
after me and my Uhuru brothers orchestrated that vicious attack,
I waited for 3 years to get you back, after leaving you barely breathing,
me and my brothers went and had a double stack, looking back on that first foray
into the darkness, the heartless way that I kicked your face, in the presence of God
I shake my head in disgrace, the bile rises up in my mouth I can still feel the taste,
Later on I heard through the vine that you was out for revenge,
but right around that time I became unhinged, so when you held that gun to my head,
I said fuck this life , fuck you and your dying mother, nigga shoot me dead,
I know now our previous friendship was the reason your finger didn't tense,
I could walk a thousand miles but I can't repent, some souls are forever stained,
even now God looks down on me in shame,
you tried alot of roles but you was never a thug, I guess that's why for 25 years
you been hooked on drugs, back then when I heard you was a fiend I just laughed hard,
to me life had two choices, the cemetary or a prison yard,
I fooled everybody, from my momma to the people on my block,
never sold a drug, never stopped by cops, at least not more than the typical brother,
but when God threw up stoplights, I flashed a middle finger and just peeled rubber,
I became more involved in revolutionary tactics, and even now habits die slow,
I take the measure of men no matter where I go,
deep inside, when I get pissed, I still feel the pangs of homicide,
only to you God can I confide, I have nothing left to defend,
bless me Father, for I have sinned
Dear God,
can I unlearn everything I was taught, have I paid my debt to black society,
though I was never caught, nevertheless I was bought for a promise sorry note,
I tired to cash my check, but the bank was broke,
remember when I would practice in the park, shooting leaves off trees,
sneaking up on my friends, makin' they blood freeze, I knew instinctively,
I had a disease, a minor disagreement made you my enemy,
I would laugh when momma said I needed the Lord, I said where was that pussy God
when you was beating pop with that board,
or when he choked you until you could barely breathe, God is for house niggaz,
I refused to be deceived, yet even in the midst of my darkness when I heard a chior
I would secretly cry, the words in my throat could barely get by,
I would promise God I was coming home, only to forget my promise and wake up
facing the danger zone, I met this fine young woman named Cris,
around that time, thought to myself, thank you God, true love I will find,
only to, at times, make her life a living hell, God is it okay if I sit in your house for a spell,
she and I got married, still I woke up angry, gotta be at work by seven,
I didn't know she saw the disgusted look on my face
when I cursed her name to the heavens, she tried various ways to make me smile,
but the only time I truly smiled, is when she had our child,
but that was only for a brief second, enemies were still out there to be reckoned,
remember God when Cris said she was terrified everytime I left the house,
and I said, fuck that, you married a man, not a mouse,
I can't stay too long on my knees for God and shit,
in my messed up mind I thought, stay on your knees too long,
a Philly nigga make you suck his dick,
I wonder now God if my "I love you's" to Cris rang real true,
when, despite her tears of mental pain and shame, I turned my back to her and you,
telling her to get a grip, I felt to show any pain meant you wasn't emotionally equipped,
after 18 years of marriage when she finally left, I must admit, dear God,
for about 9 months I lost my breath, I even begged like a beaten slave,
all the while laugin at myself, saying "you punk, what happened to D'ee the brave"
that's the reason why I don't hide behind my words, all that D'ee is so kool shit sounds adsurd,
I'm just a cat tryin' to find personal redemption,
tryin' my hardest to destroy Satan's greatest invention,
the false belief that people can't see you in the dark, yes they can if God provides the spark,
I've long since apologized to Cris, we get along well, got respect for any man she down with,
but he's gotta know hell is waiting if he fucks up, she went through enough with me
to leave deep cuts, as for the rest of the world, I wish you peace,
just leave me alone, don't tempt the beast that still resides inside of me,
let me face my own personal destiny, I won't get into gossip, speading words and shit,
beating my lips about who is doggin who, my friends leave that shit out of the convo
when it's me and you, and for my sisters who dig D'ee, remember never to trust a man
until he truly reveals, what's beneath the surface when the epidermis is peeled,
I come to you without shame, not hiding beneath a stitch of clothes,
my only goal now is to one day touch the hem of Jesus' robe,
I bid love to my remaining enemies and my few friends,
bless me Father, for I have sinned